You know that feeling when you’re lying in bed next to your spouse, staring at the ceiling, wondering if God is punishing you for that one time you shoplifted a pack of gum in 3rd grade? Well, fear not, my sexually frustrated friend - the big guy upstairs might have a plan for your dry spell after all. Read on to discover the top 10 signs that God wants you to stay in a sexless marriage, even if it makes you want to run to the nearest convent (or sex dungeon).

1. You Keep Winning the Church Raffle

Sure, that Instant Pot is great and all, but why do you keep winning every single church raffle, bake sale, and religious bingo tournament? It’s almost as if the man upstairs is giving you a not-so-subtle hint that he wants you to stay right where you are - celibate and baking casseroles for the youth group. Don’t question it, just keep racking up those church points, and wait for the day when God bestows upon you the ultimate prize: eternal salvation (and maybe a new KitchenAid mixer).

3.14159 Reasons Why Your Pastor Keeps Giving You Weird Looks

Remember that time you asked Father Mike for marriage counseling, and he just stared at you with a mixture of pity and confusion? Or how about when you volunteered to teach the middle school Sunday school class, and the youth minister practically threw you out of the room? Well, my friends, those aren’t just awkward pastoral moments - they’re signs from the divine that God wants you to embrace your sexless existence. After all, who needs physical intimacy when you’ve got a cupboard full of church potluck Tupperware?

2. Your Sex Toy Collection is Gathering Dust

You know that drawer in your nightstand, the one filled with batteries and various silicon… accessories? Well, if those puppies have been sitting untouched for years, it might be time to accept that God has other plans for your marriage. Maybe he wants you to donate them to the church rummage sale instead. After all, think of the joy you could bring to some other sexually frustrated parishioner! Just be sure to put a little “blessed by the priest” sticker on each one - God loves a good deal.

The Nuns Keep Inviting You to Dinner

Have you noticed that the local convent seems to be putting out the welcome mat for you and your spouse a little too enthusiastically? Perhaps the good sisters have caught wind of your dry spell and are trying to subtly recruit you for their order. Hey, at least you’d finally get some peace and quiet - not to mention a built-in book club. Just be sure to stock up on extra rosary beads before you take the vows.

3. Your Spouse Suddenly Finds Religion

You used to have to practically drag your partner to church, but now they’re the first one in the pew every Sunday, eagerly awaiting the latest fire-and-brimstone sermon. And let’s not forget the sudden interest in Bible study, prayer groups, and all things holy. If your once-secular spouse has had a sudden spiritual awakening, it might be God’s way of telling you to hunker down for a lifetime of abstinence. Time to start perfecting your chaste handholding technique.

Your Libido Has Become a Spiritual Experience

You know that feeling when you’re in the throes of… well, you know. That sudden rush of ecstasy, the feeling of transcending the physical world? Well, if those sensations have been replaced by a deep sense of inner peace and connection with the divine, it might be a sign that God wants you to find your pleasure in prayer rather than physical intimacy. Congrats, you’ve unlibido’d your way to a higher plane of existence! Now, where did you put that rosary?

4. Your Sex Life Has Become a Confessional

Remember that time you accidentally blurted out the details of your lackluster sex life during confession? Or how about when you found yourself discussing your dry spell with the church ladies at the weekly quilting circle? If your most intimate moments have become the talk of the congregation, it’s a clear sign that God wants you to keep your pants on and your mouth shut. After all, who needs foreplay when you’ve got the entire parish praying for your marital dry spell?

Your Spouse Suddenly Becomes a Missionary

You know that scene in the movies where the character suddenly has a spiritual awakening and decides to dedicate their life to missionary work? Well, if your spouse has suddenly announced they’re moving to a remote jungle to spread the good word, it might be God’s way of saying, “Hey, guess what? No more sex for you!” Time to start perfecting your Skype foreplay techniques, because those jungle tribes aren’t going to convert themselves.

5. Your Prayer Life Becomes Alarmingly Specific

Sure, we all have our regular prayer routine - you know, the standard “please help me find my car keys” and “bless this Costco-sized box of Cheez-Its.” But if you find yourself spending hours on your knees, begging God for a miracle to revive your sex life, it might be a sign that the big guy upstairs has other plans. Maybe he’s testing your faith, or maybe he just really wants you to focus on your spiritual growth. Either way, time to start brushing up on your chastity belt-making skills.

Your Spouse Suddenly Becomes a Devout Celibate

Remember that time your spouse casually mentioned they’ve decided to take a vow of celibacy? Yeah, that’s not just a coincidence. It’s God’s way of telling you that your marriage is now a sex-free zone. Quick, start practicing your best “I’m totally cool with this” smile, because you’re about to become the world’s most supportive, non-horny spouse.

So there you have it, folks - the top 10 signs that God wants you to stay in a sexless marriage, even if it feels like a cosmic joke. Just remember, when life gives you a lifetime of abstinence, make spiritual lemonade. Or something like that. Either way, start stocking up on those church raffle tickets, because the path to salvation is paved with a whole lot of sexual frustration.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are 5 FAQs related to the topic “Does God want me to stay in a sexless marriage”:

What does the Bible say about sex in marriage?

The Bible emphasizes the importance of sexual intimacy within marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, the Apostle Paul instructs married couples not to deprive one another sexually, except by mutual consent for a time, so that they may devote themselves to prayer. The Bible views sex as a gift from God to be enjoyed within the context of a committed, lifelong marriage between a man and a woman.

Is a sexless marriage a valid reason for divorce according to the Bible?

The Bible does not explicitly state that a sexless marriage is grounds for divorce. However, the Bible does recognize sexual immorality, such as adultery, as a valid reason for divorce (Matthew 19:9). Some Christian scholars argue that a persistent, unrepentant refusal to fulfill one’s marital sexual duties could be considered a form of sexual immorality, potentially justifying divorce. Ultimately, it’s a complex issue that requires prayerful consideration and counsel from spiritual leaders.

How can I maintain my faith and seek God’s will in a sexless marriage?

Maintaining faith and seeking God’s will in a sexless marriage can be challenging, but not impossible. It’s important to continue to pray, study the Scriptures, and seek counsel from trusted Christian mentors or leaders. Focus on cultivating emotional and spiritual intimacy with your spouse, and consider seeking professional counseling to address the underlying issues. Remember that God’s grace is sufficient, and He can provide the strength and wisdom to navigate this difficult situation.

What if my spouse is unwilling to address the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage?

If your spouse is unwilling to address the lack of sexual intimacy, it’s important to approach the situation with compassion and wisdom. Communicate your concerns in a loving, non-confrontational manner, and encourage your spouse to seek counseling or medical assistance, if appropriate. Ultimately, you cannot force your spouse to change, but you can focus on your own spiritual growth and seek God’s guidance on how to best honor Him within your marriage.

How can I find hope and healing in a sexless marriage?

Finding hope and healing in a sexless marriage requires a deep reliance on God’s love and grace. Surround yourself with a supportive community of believers who can pray for you and provide encouragement. Engage in personal spiritual disciplines, such as prayer, Bible study, and worship, to deepen your relationship with the Lord. Consider seeking professional Christian counseling to work through the emotional and relational aspects of your situation. Remember that God’s plan for your life is good, even when circumstances are challenging, and that He can bring restoration and healing in unexpected ways.