Top 10 Ways to Have a Sexless Marriage

Are you tired of the constant pressure to keep your bedroom antics alive and well? Congratulations, you’re about to embark on a thrilling journey towards a sexless marriage! It’s time to bid farewell to the steamy nights and hello to the blissful silence of an empty mattress. Grab a cup of chamomile tea, snuggle up in your favorite PJs, and let’s dive into the top 10 ways to achieve the holy grail of marital bliss – a sexless marriage.

1. Become a Scheduling Ninja

Forget spontaneity – that’s for amateurs. The true masters of the sexless marriage art know that calendars are the key to success. Meticulously plan out your “intimate” moments, complete with color-coded reminders and emergency backup plans. This way, you can ensure that your partner never feels the urge to disrupt your finely tuned routine.

2. Master the Art of Avoidance

Subtlety is for the weak. When it comes to having a sexless marriage, you must embrace the art of avoidance like a seasoned ninja. Develop a keen sense of when your partner might be feeling “frisky” and promptly disappear. Sudden “work emergencies” or “family obligations” are your best friends.

3. Cultivate the “Headache” Superpower

Ah, the classic “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” excuse. Master this timeless technique, and you’ll be well on your way to achieving the sexless marriage of your dreams. Keep a stash of pain relievers handy, and never underestimate the power of a well-timed yawn.

4. Weaponize Your Appearance

Forget about maintaining that “spark.” When it comes to having a sexless marriage, the key is to make yourself as unappealing as possible. Let your personal hygiene slide, sport the frumpiest attire, and consider adopting a new signature scent – eau de garlic and onions, anyone?

5. Become a Snoring Virtuoso

The bedroom is no longer your domain – it’s now the battleground for your snoring superiority. Perfect your technique, and soon your partner will be dreaming of a quiet night’s sleep, rather than a steamy encounter.

6. Embrace the Power of Rejection

Rejection is your new best friend. When your partner dares to make a move, unleash your inner ice queen (or king) and swiftly shut them down. Bonus points if you can do it with a dramatic eye roll or a well-timed sigh.

7. The Selective Hearing Technique

Ah, the joy of selective hearing. When your partner tries to initiate a conversation about your sexless marriage, simply tune them out. Nod occasionally, but make sure your mind is a million miles away, preferably contemplating the intricacies of your sock drawer.

8. Become a Master of Distraction

Bored with your partner’s attempts to rekindle the flame? Time to break out your impressive arsenal of diversions. Suddenly discover a newfound passion for home renovations, join a knitting club, or become an avid collector of rare paper clips – anything to keep your partner’s attention firmly away from the bedroom.

9. The “Not Tonight, Honey” Mantra

Repetition is key when it comes to having a sexless marriage. Adopt a firm, unwavering “not tonight, honey” mantra, and stick to it like glue. Bonus points if you can deliver it with a straight face and a complete lack of emotion.

10. The Ultimate Ace: The “I’m Too Tired” Card

The ultimate trump card in the sexless marriage playbook is the “I’m too tired” excuse. Use this one liberally, and watch as your partner’s advances wither away like a delicate flower in the desert.

Remember, the key to a successful sexless marriage is commitment, creativity, and a healthy dose of shamelessness. Embrace these techniques, and you’ll be well on your way to a lifetime of blissful, intimate-free bliss.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are 5 FAQs related to the topic of “how to have a sexless marriage”:

What are the reasons for a sexless marriage?

There can be various reasons for a sexless marriage, including differences in sexual desire, physical or mental health issues, past trauma, stress, or a simple shift in priorities over time. Communication and understanding between partners is crucial in addressing the root causes and finding a solution that works for both individuals.

How can a couple maintain intimacy in a sexless marriage?

While physical intimacy may be lacking, maintaining emotional and romantic intimacy is essential. Couples can focus on non-sexual forms of affection, such as cuddling, massage, and quality time together. Exploring new hobbies or activities as a couple can also help strengthen the emotional bond. Seeking counseling or therapy can also provide guidance on navigating a sexless marriage.

Is it possible to have a happy and fulfilling marriage without sex?

Yes, it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling marriage without regular sexual activity. Many couples prioritize emotional connection, companionship, and shared life experiences over physical intimacy. The key is to find a mutually satisfactory arrangement, communicate openly, and ensure that both partners’ needs are met in some form, whether sexual or otherwise.

How can couples reignite the sexual spark in a sexless marriage?

Rekindling the sexual spark can involve a combination of strategies, such as scheduling regular date nights, trying new intimacy-building activities, addressing any underlying issues, and seeking professional help if necessary. It’s important for couples to be patient, experiment, and focus on rediscovering the emotional and physical connection that initially drew them together.

What are the potential consequences of a prolonged sexless marriage?

A prolonged sexless marriage can lead to feelings of resentment, loneliness, and disconnection between partners. It may also impact self-esteem, mental health, and the overall quality of the relationship. However, with open communication, understanding, and a willingness to work on the issue, many couples are able to navigate a sexless marriage and maintain a fulfilling partnership.