Ah, the joys of a sexless marriage - where the only thing getting hot and heavy is the tension between you and your partner. If you’re tired of all that pesky physical intimacy getting in the way of your day-to-day domestic bliss, have no fear! We’ve got the ultimate guide to having a sexless marriage that would make even the most prudish Victorian ladies blush.

1. Become Roommates, Not Lovers

The foundation of a successful sexless marriage is to treat your spouse like your favorite roommate, not your lover. Avoid eye contact, physical touch, and any sort of emotional vulnerability at all costs. Instead, focus on divvying up the household chores, arguing over the thermostat setting, and silently resenting each other’s very existence. Ah, the sweet sounds of true companionship.

2. Embrace the Awkward Silence

Silence is golden in a sexless marriage, my friends. Forget witty banter or deep conversations - those only lead to the dreaded “connection.” Instead, perfect the art of the uncomfortable pause, the telling glance away, the weather-related small talk. Let the silence hang in the air like the sexual tension you’re oh-so-carefully avoiding.

2.1. Master the Passive-Aggressive Undertones

Subtlety is key when communicating in a sexless marriage. Forget direct confrontation - that requires actual emotion. Instead, hone your skills in the fine art of the passive-aggressive quip, the sarcastic jab, the pointed remark. Let your partner know exactly how you feel, but do it in a way that allows you both to pretend it’s all in good fun.

3. Neglect Your Appearance

What’s the point of looking your best when you’re not even going to be looking at each other, right? Let yourself go, my friend. Abandon all grooming habits, embrace the sweatpants, and say goodbye to makeup and cologne forevermore. After all, who needs to impress when you’re having a sexless marriage?

3.1. Avoid Anything Remotely Sensual

Candles? Romantic music? Scented lotions? Heavens no! Those are the tools of the seductress, and you, my dear, are far too evolved for such juvenile tactics. Steer clear of anything that might even remotely evoke feelings of attraction or desire. Keep things strictly utilitarian in the bedroom - or, better yet, banish your partner to the couch entirely.

4. Develop Airtight Excuses

Spontaneity is the enemy of the sexless marriage. You’ll need a robust arsenal of excuses to avoid any unwanted intimacy. Headaches, work stress, bad day, tired - the possibilities are endless. The key is to have a go-to excuse ready at all times, no matter the situation. Consistency is key when having a sexless marriage.

4.1. Fake Illness (or Actual Illness, if You’re Feeling Ambitious)

Take your excuses to the next level by feigning illness, or better yet, actually making yourself ill. A good old-fashioned bout of the flu or a mysterious “stomach bug” can work wonders in fending off those pesky sexual advances. Just be sure to milk it for all it’s worth - the more pitiful, the better.

5. Cultivate Separate Lives

The ultimate goal of a sexless marriage is to achieve complete and total independence from your spouse. Pursue your own hobbies, interests, and social circles, and encourage your partner to do the same. The less time you spend together, the better. Bonus points if you can find ways to actively avoid each other, like taking separate vacations or joining incompatible gym schedules.

5.1. Become Addicted to Your Devices

What better way to distance yourself from your spouse than by becoming one with your smartphone, tablet, or laptop? Spend hours mindlessly scrolling, binge-watching, or gaming - anything to avoid actual human interaction. Bonus points if you can find a way to bring your devices into the bedroom, creating a physical and emotional barrier between you and your partner.

6. Weaponize Your Children (If Applicable)

If you’re lucky enough to have spawned a few offspring, congratulations! You now have the perfect excuse to completely neglect your spouse. Use the kids as a shield, bury yourself in their schedules and activities, and make sure there’s never a moment of alone time for the two of you. After all, what’s more important than being a “super parent” in a sexless marriage?

6.1. Become a Helicopter Parent

Take your child-centric lifestyle to the next level by becoming a full-blown helicopter parent. Hover over your kids’ every move, micromanage their every activity, and make sure there’s no room for your spouse to even think about physical intimacy. Bonus points if you can find a way to blame your partner for your own overbearing parenting style.

7. Indulge in Petty Resentment

Resentment is the lifeblood of a successful sexless marriage. Nurture those petty grievances, harbor those passive-aggressive grudges, and let the bitterness simmer and stew. Bonus points if you can find ways to bring up that one time your partner forgot your birthday or that other time they used the wrong detergent. The more trivial the offense, the better.

7.1. Refuse to Compromise

In a sexless marriage, compromise is for the weak. Stand your ground, dig in your heels, and make sure your partner knows that your way is the only way. After all, what’s the point of being in a relationship if you can’t constantly assert your dominance and make the other person feel small?

8. Avoid Conflict at All Costs

Conflict is the enemy of the sexless marriage. At all costs, you must avoid any sort of disagreement, discussion, or honest communication with your partner. Sweep those pesky issues under the rug, bottling up your feelings until they inevitably explode in a dramatic, emotionally-charged showdown. Rinse and repeat.

8.1. Gaslight Your Partner

Take your conflict-avoidance to the next level by mastering the art of gaslighting. Convince your partner that their concerns, feelings, and memories are completely invalid. Make them question their own reality until they’re too exhausted to even think about intimacy. Bonus points if you can do it all with a smile and a condescending pat on the head.

9. Develop a Healthy Addiction

What better way to distract yourself from the emptiness of a sexless marriage than by diving headfirst into a good old-fashioned addiction? Whether it’s work, shopping, gambling, or something a little more illicit, immerse yourself in your vice of choice. Bonus points if you can find a way to blame your partner for your new compulsive behavior.

9.1. Spend All Your Time (and Money) on Hobbies

Take your addiction to the next level by pouring all of your time, energy, and financial resources into a seemingly harmless hobby. Become a wine snob, a hardcore gamer, a DIY enthusiast - whatever floats your boat. The key is to make sure there’s no room left in your life for your spouse, let alone physical intimacy.

10. Embrace the Power of Denial

The ultimate secret to having a sexless marriage is to simply deny the problem’s existence altogether. Bury your head in the sand, convince yourself that everything is fine, and ignore those pesky feelings of loneliness, resentment, and disconnection. After all, if you can’t see it, it can’t hurt you, right? Bonus points if you can get your partner to play along in this delightful game of marital avoidance.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are 5 FAQs related to the topic of “how to have a sexless marriage” to provide additional value to the readers:

What are the common reasons for a sexless marriage?

There can be various reasons for a sexless marriage, including low libido, medical issues, emotional disconnection, stress, or unresolved conflicts in the relationship. It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your partner to understand the underlying causes and work towards a solution together.

How can couples rebuild intimacy in a sexless marriage?

Rebuilding intimacy in a sexless marriage requires a multi-faceted approach. Couples can start by improving communication, setting aside dedicated time for physical affection, and exploring new ways to be intimate that don’t necessarily involve sexual intercourse. Seeking counseling or therapy can also be beneficial in addressing the root causes and developing a plan to rekindle the physical and emotional connection.

Is it possible to have a fulfilling marriage without sex?

Yes, it is possible to have a fulfilling marriage without sex, but it requires mutual understanding, compassion, and a willingness to explore alternative forms of intimacy. Couples in a sexless marriage can focus on emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections to maintain a strong bond. However, it’s essential to ensure that both partners’ needs are being met and that the decision to forgo sex is a mutual and consensual one.

How can couples navigate the challenges of a sexless marriage?

Navigating the challenges of a sexless marriage requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to address the issue head-on. Couples should start by openly discussing their feelings, concerns, and expectations around intimacy. They can also seek professional help, such as counseling or therapy, to identify the underlying issues and develop a plan to rebuild their physical and emotional connection. Additionally, finding ways to stay emotionally and physically intimate, even without sexual intercourse, can help maintain a strong and fulfilling relationship.

What are the potential consequences of a long-term sexless marriage?

The potential consequences of a long-term sexless marriage can include feelings of resentment, loneliness, and emotional disconnection. This can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and a breakdown in overall relationship satisfaction. In some cases, a sexless marriage can also contribute to infidelity or the decision to end the relationship. It’s important for couples to address the issue proactively and seek support if they are struggling to maintain a healthy and fulfilling intimate life.