Are you tired of all the steamy, passionate, mindblowing sex in your marriage? Well, my friend, you’re in luck! In this article, we’re diving deep into the art of how to have a sexless marriage. From carefully cultivating a complete lack of intimacy to expertly avoiding any semblance of physical connection, we’ve got you covered. So, grab a cup of chamomile tea, snuggle up in your coziest flannel pajamas, and get ready to kiss those libidos goodbye.

Establish a “No-Touch” Policy

First and foremost, it’s crucial to set firm boundaries when it comes to any kind of physical contact. Handshakes, high-fives, and even accidental brushing of the hands are strictly off-limits. Implement a “no-touch” policy in your household and reinforce it with laser-like precision. If your partner dares to reach for your hand while watching Netflix, recoil in horror and loudly exclaim, “What do you think you’re doing?!” This will set the tone for a delightfully touch-free future.

Avoid Eye Contact at All Costs

Maintaining a sexless marriage requires a keen awareness of your visual cues. Make it a point to never, under any circumstances, make eye contact with your partner. Stare intensely at the ceiling, the floor, or the nearest potted plant, but never, ever gaze into their eyes. This will effectively prevent any sort of emotional connection or intimacy from blossoming.

The Importance of Separate Bedrooms

Sleeping in separate bedrooms is a crucial component of a successful sexless marriage. Not only does this physical distance create a sense of emotional separation, but it also eliminates the temptation of late-night snuggles or, heaven forbid, gasp sexual activity. Insist on having your own personal sleep sanctuary, complete with your favorite teddy bear and a white noise machine to drown out any amorous noises.

Cultivate a Lack of Curiosity

One of the key elements of how to have a sexless marriage is to cultivate a profound lack of curiosity about your partner’s life. Show zero interest in their hobbies, their goals, or their innermost thoughts and feelings. When they try to share something exciting that happened to them, respond with a blank stare and a resounding, “Huh, that’s nice.” This will effectively shut down any attempts at meaningful conversation or emotional intimacy.

The Art of Avoidance

Mastering the art of avoidance is essential for maintaining a sexless marriage. When your partner suggests a romantic weekend getaway or a candlelit dinner, quickly change the subject or come up with a conveniently scheduled work engagement. Constantly be “too tired” or “not feeling well” whenever they try to initiate any sort of quality time together.

The Power of Passive-Aggression

Passive-aggressive behavior is your best friend when it comes to how to have a sexless marriage. Snide comments, passive-aggressive sighs, and eye-rolling are all powerful tools in your arsenal. Whenever your partner tries to be affectionate or intimate, respond with a heavy sigh and a muttered, “Really? Now?” This will effectively shut down any amorous intentions.

Embrace the Boring

Boring is the new sexy when it comes to a sexless marriage. Cultivate a life filled with monotonous routines, mind-numbing television, and endless hours of mundane household chores. Avoid any activities that could potentially spark excitement or passion. Instead, opt for the most boring, predictable, and soul-crushing options available.

The Importance of Maintaining Personal Hygiene Neglect

Personal hygiene is the enemy of a sexless marriage. Let your grooming habits slide, and embrace the power of natural body odor. Forgo regular showers, skip the deodorant, and let your facial hair grow wild and untamed. This will create an irresistible aura of unattractiveness, effectively keeping your partner at a safe distance.

Indulge in Unhealthy Habits

Developing unhealthy habits can be a powerful tool in your quest for a sexless marriage. Binge-watching Netflix for hours on end, indulging in a steady diet of junk food, and eschewing any form of exercise will help you maintain a level of physical undesirability that will deter your partner’s advances.

The Power of Constant Criticism

Unleash the power of constant criticism to keep the flames of passion at bay. Nitpick every aspect of your partner’s appearance, from their hairstyle to their choice of clothing. Constantly point out their flaws and shortcomings, making sure they feel utterly unattractive and undesirable.

The Art of Emotional Detachment

Cultivating a deep sense of emotional detachment is crucial for a sexless marriage. Avoid any displays of affection, emotional vulnerability, or genuine care for your partner. Treat them as if they were a mere acquaintance, devoid of any emotional connection or intimacy.

Remember, the key to a successful sexless marriage lies in your unwavering commitment to avoiding any and all forms of physical and emotional intimacy. Embrace these tips, and you’ll be on your way to a blissfully sexless future. Cheers to a lifetime of platonic companionship!

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are 5 FAQs related to the topic of “how to have a sexless marriage”:

What are the common reasons for a sexless marriage?

There are several common reasons for a sexless marriage, including low libido, stress, relationship issues, medical problems, and even a difference in sexual desires between partners. Factors like age, hormonal changes, and mental health can also contribute to a decrease in sexual activity within a marriage. It’s important for couples to communicate openly and seek professional help if necessary to address the underlying causes.

How can a couple maintain intimacy in a sexless marriage?

Maintaining intimacy in a sexless marriage requires a dedicated effort from both partners. This can involve engaging in non-sexual physical touch, such as cuddling, massaging, or simply holding hands. Couples can also explore emotional intimacy through activities like date nights, shared hobbies, and open communication about their feelings and needs. Seeking counseling or therapy can also help couples navigate the challenges of a sexless marriage and find ways to reconnect.

What are some strategies for reigniting the sexual spark in a sexless marriage?

Reigniting the sexual spark in a sexless marriage may involve trying new things, such as exploring new sexual activities, setting the mood with romantic gestures, or scheduling regular date nights. It’s also important for couples to address any underlying issues, such as stress or communication problems, that may be contributing to the lack of sexual intimacy. Seeking the help of a sex therapist or relationship counselor can also provide valuable guidance and support.

How can a couple cope with the emotional impact of a sexless marriage?

The emotional impact of a sexless marriage can be significant, leading to feelings of rejection, resentment, and even depression. It’s important for couples to address these emotions openly and honestly with each other, and to seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional if needed. Practicing self-care, engaging in hobbies, and finding ways to maintain emotional intimacy can also help couples cope with the challenges of a sexless marriage.

When should a couple consider seeking professional help for a sexless marriage?

Couples should consider seeking professional help for a sexless marriage if they have been unable to resolve the issue on their own after a significant period of time. This may include consulting with a sex therapist, relationship counselor, or medical professional to address any underlying physical or psychological factors. Seeking help can provide couples with the tools and support they need to improve their sexual and emotional intimacy, and to ultimately strengthen their marriage.