So, you’ve decided to take the plunge and embark on a lifelong journey of…well, no more plunging. Congratulations! Maintaining a sexless marriage is no easy feat, but fear not, my friends. We’ve got your back (and your front, and your sides) with this comprehensive guide to ensuring your bedroom remains as dry and desolate as the Sahara.

1. Cultivate a Sense of Awkwardness

The foundation of a successful sexless marriage is a palpable air of discomfort. Whenever the topic of intimacy arises, make sure to shift uncomfortably, clear your throat, and change the subject faster than a politician dodging a question about their shady past. Mastering the art of the awkward silence is key.

Tip: Avoid eye contact at all costs. Staring at the ceiling or your phone is highly recommended.

2. Become a Master of Avoidance

Timing is everything when it comes to maintaining that sexless marriage bliss. Always be one step ahead of your partner, anticipating their advances and expertly sidestepping them. Feign exhaustion, sudden-onset headaches, or even a pressing need to reorganize your sock drawer. The possibilities are endless!

Tip: Develop a keen sense of hearing, and sprint in the opposite direction at the first sign of romantic overtures.

3. Cultivate a Thriving Passion for Hobbies

One surefire way to ensure your marriage remains sexless is to immerse yourself in a world of solitary pursuits. Whether it’s stamp collecting, competitive yodeling, or a deep dive into the history of pineapple cultivation, the key is to make sure your partner feels like a distant afterthought.

Tip: Invest in noise-canceling headphones to drown out any pesky attempts at intimacy.

4. Weaponize the Cold Shoulder

Mastering the art of the cold shoulder is a vital skill in maintaining a sexless marriage. Greet any attempts at physical affection with a frosty glare and a polite, but firm, “Not tonight, dear.” Bonus points if you can maintain this icy demeanor for days on end, leaving your partner feeling more isolated than a polar bear in the Sahara.

Tip: Practice your best “I’d rather be boiled alive in a vat of melted rubber” expression in the mirror.

5. Cultivate a Vibrant Social Life (Without Your Partner)

One of the cornerstones of a successful sexless marriage is a thriving social life that excludes your better half. Attend work functions, book clubs, and interpretive dance classes without so much as a second thought for your neglected spouse. After all, you need to maintain a robust support system of like-minded individuals who are also committed to the art of marital celibacy.

Tip: Develop a repertoire of inside jokes and private references that leave your partner feeling like an outsider.

6. Become a Connoisseur of Excuses

Maintaining a sexless marriage requires a well-stocked arsenal of excuses to fend off any amorous advances. From the classic “Not tonight, I have a headache” to the more creative “Sorry, dear, I’m busy practicing my victory dance for the annual Lint Roller Championships,” your options are limitless.

Tip: Keep a running list of excuses handy, and feel free to mix and match for maximum effectiveness.

7. Embrace the Power of Selective Hearing

Mastering the art of selective hearing is a crucial skill in the sexless marriage playbook. Whenever your partner attempts to initiate a conversation about your, shall we say, “intimate disconnect,” simply nod and smile, while mentally planning your next trip to the hardware store to buy more WD-40 for your ears.

Tip: Invest in a set of high-quality earplugs to make your selective hearing even more impenetrable.

8. Cultivate a Thriving Relationship with Your Couch

In the world of sexless marriages, the couch becomes your closest confidant. Spend as much time as possible snuggling up with a good book, binge-watching the latest true-crime documentary, or perfecting your recreational napping technique. The more time you can spend in a horizontal position, the better.

Tip: Invest in a couch that’s as comfortable as it is impenetrable to any potential amorous advances.

9. Become a Master of the Protective Bubble

Creating a protective bubble around yourself is essential for maintaining a sexless marriage. Establish clear boundaries, both physical and emotional, that discourage any unwanted physical contact or emotional intimacy. Become a professional at the “polite but firm” handshake and the “friendly but distant” hug.

Tip: Practice your best “forcefield” impression in the mirror, complete with the mandatory “back off” hand gesture.

10. Embrace the Power of Denial

The final and perhaps most crucial step in maintaining a sexless marriage is to wholeheartedly embrace the power of denial. Whenever your partner attempts to address the elephant (or lack thereof) in the room, simply respond with a resounding “What are you talking about? Everything is fine!” and quickly change the subject.

Tip: Develop a keen ability to maintain a straight face, even in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary.

Remember, maintaining a sexless marriage is not for the faint of heart, but with these surefire tips and a healthy dose of determination, you’ll be well on your way to a lifetime of blissful, intimate-free existence. Embrace the awkwardness, perfect the art of avoidance, and remember: the couch is always there for you, ready to be your loyal, non-judgmental companion.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are 5 FAQs related to “how to maintain a sexless marriage”:

What are the common reasons for a sexless marriage?

There can be many reasons why a couple may find themselves in a sexless marriage. Some common causes include decreased libido due to aging, stress, medical conditions, hormonal changes, relationship issues, or a lack of emotional intimacy. It’s important for couples to openly communicate about the underlying reasons and work together to address them.

How can couples maintain a healthy emotional connection in a sexless marriage?

Maintaining emotional intimacy is crucial in a sexless marriage. Couples should prioritize quality time together, engaging in activities they both enjoy, and communicating openly and honestly about their feelings and needs. Seeking counseling or therapy can also help couples rebuild emotional closeness and find ways to reconnect.

What are some strategies for managing sexual frustration in a sexless marriage?

Dealing with sexual frustration can be challenging, but there are healthy ways to cope. Couples can explore non-sexual forms of physical intimacy, such as cuddling, massage, or sensual touching. Masturbation and the use of sex toys can also help meet individual needs. It’s important to avoid blaming or resenting each other and to focus on finding mutually satisfying solutions.

How can couples reignite physical intimacy in a sexless marriage?

Reigniting physical intimacy requires patience, creativity, and a willingness to try new things. Couples can start by setting aside dedicated time for intimacy, experimenting with different foreplay techniques, and focusing on pleasure rather than just the act of sex. Seeking professional guidance, such as from a sex therapist, can also be beneficial.

What are the long-term implications of a sexless marriage, and how can couples address them?

A prolonged lack of physical intimacy can have significant emotional and psychological consequences for a couple, including feelings of resentment, loneliness, and even a breakdown in the relationship. It’s essential for couples to address the issue proactively, whether through open communication, seeking counseling, or making a concerted effort to rebuild their sexual connection. Maintaining a sexless marriage may require rethinking the relationship and considering whether it’s still viable in the long run.