Are you tired of the constant nagging from your partner about your “lack of intimacy”? Feeling like you’re stuck in a never-ending game of “who can avoid sex the longest”? Well, fear not, my friend! We’ve got the ultimate guide to how to stay forever in a sexless marriage, and trust us, it’s going to be a wild ride.

Embrace the Power of Excuses

Let’s start with the basics, shall we? Mastering the art of excuse-making is the foundation of a successful sexless marriage. Whether it’s a headache, a bad back, or the fact that you just spent the last three hours binge-watching the latest true-crime documentary, there’s always a reason to say “not tonight, dear.” And don’t be afraid to get creative – the more outlandish the excuse, the better!

The Classic “Headache” Maneuver

This one’s a classic for a reason. Simply feign a splitting migraine the moment your partner starts to get a little frisky, and voila – instant get-out-of-sex-free card. Bonus points if you can make your eyes water and your face contort in agony.

The “Too Tired” Tango

Exhaustion is the ultimate trump card in the sexless marriage game. After a long day of work, chores, and binge-watching your favorite shows, who has the energy for anything more strenuous than a light cuddling session? Not you, that’s for sure!

Avoid Intimacy at All Costs

Now that you’ve mastered the art of excuse-making, it’s time to take it to the next level. Avoiding intimacy altogether is the key to staying forever in a sexless marriage. Here are a few proven strategies:

The “Separate Bedrooms” Tactic

There’s nothing quite like the old “we’ll just sleep in separate bedrooms” ploy. This way, you can bid farewell to those pesky midnight advances and enjoy a blissful, uninterrupted night’s sleep – alone.

The “Too Busy” Tango

Between work, hobbies, and social commitments, who has time for sex, am I right? Simply pack your schedule to the brim, leaving no room for anything remotely resembling intimacy. Bonus points if you can convince your partner that they’re the ones who are “too needy.”

Cultivate a Hostile Environment

Now, we all know that a healthy relationship requires open communication and a willingness to compromise. But where’s the fun in that? Instead, let’s focus on creating an atmosphere of tension and resentment – the perfect recipe for a sexless marriage.

The “Passive-Aggressive Masterclass”

Mastering the art of the passive-aggressive remark is a must-have skill in the sexless marriage playbook. Whether it’s a subtle dig about your partner’s appearance or a sarcastic comment about their lack of “initiative,” these little jabs will slowly erode any desire for physical intimacy.

The “Constant Criticism” Routine

Take it a step further and unleash a barrage of criticism on your partner. Nothing kills the mood quite like pointing out every perceived flaw, from their fashion sense to their bedroom performance (or lack thereof). Bonus points if you can do it while they’re in various states of undress.

Embrace the Power of Distraction

When all else fails, it’s time to pull out the big guns – the art of distraction. Keeping your partner’s attention firmly focused on anything other than sex is the key to maintaining a sexless marriage.

The “Endless Chore List” Tactic

Nothing says “I’d rather clean the gutters than have sex with you” quite like a never-ending list of household tasks. From scrubbing the grout in the bathroom to reorganizing the sock drawer, the possibilities are endless.

The “TV Addiction” Technique

Let’s face it, in the age of Netflix and chill, there’s always a new binge-worthy show to watch. Spend hours upon hours glued to the screen, making it clear that your TV time is sacred and not to be interrupted by anything remotely resembling intimacy.

Conclusion: Embrace the Sexless Life

Congratulations, you’ve mastered the art of how to stay forever in a sexless marriage! From the power of excuses to the art of distraction, you’re now equipped with the ultimate toolkit to ensure that your relationship remains as dry and barren as the Sahara desert.

Remember, the key to success is commitment – stay forever in a sexless marriage by doubling down on these tried-and-true tactics, and you’ll soon be the envy of all your married friends. Just be sure to stock up on plenty of popcorn and remote controls, because you’re in for a long, sexless haul.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are 5 FAQs related to the topic of “How to Stay Forever in a Sexless Marriage”:

What are the common reasons for a sexless marriage?

There are several potential reasons why a marriage may become sexless, including diminished libido, sexual dysfunction, relationship conflicts, stress, and health issues. It’s important to communicate openly with your partner to understand the underlying causes and work towards a solution together.

How can couples maintain intimacy in a sexless marriage?

Maintaining intimacy in a sexless marriage requires effort and creativity. Couples can try non-sexual forms of physical affection, such as cuddling, massage, and affectionate touch. They can also focus on emotional intimacy through open communication, shared activities, and quality time together. Seeking counseling or therapy can also help couples navigate this challenge.

What are the emotional and psychological effects of a sexless marriage?

A sexless marriage can lead to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and resentment. It can also impact self-esteem and overall relationship satisfaction. It’s important for couples to address the issue and seek support if necessary, as unresolved sexual intimacy issues can have far-reaching consequences.

How can couples reignite sexual desire in a sexless marriage?

Reigniting sexual desire in a sexless marriage can involve various strategies, such as scheduling regular date nights, trying new activities together, and addressing any underlying physical or emotional issues. Seeking the guidance of a sex therapist or relationship counselor can also be beneficial.

What are the long-term implications of staying in a permanently sexless marriage?

Staying in a permanently sexless marriage can lead to a variety of long-term issues, such as emotional disconnection, infidelity, and even separation or divorce. It’s essential for couples to regularly evaluate the state of their relationship and make informed decisions about whether to continue the marriage or to seek alternative solutions.