Are you tired of asking yourself, “Why did God give us a sexless marriage?” Well, buckle up, my friends, because we’re about to dive into the juiciest, kinkiest, and most hilarious reasons why the big guy upstairs might have decided to deprive us of the horizontal mambo. Get ready for a wild ride that’ll leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about your relationship with the big man.

1. God Wanted to Keep Things Spicy

Remember when people used to say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Well, it looks like the big G took that a little too literally. Perhaps he thought that by withholding the sweet, sweet release of physical intimacy, you and your partner would be forced to really get to know each other. You know, the old-fashioned way - with candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and plenty of awkward silences.

Keeping the Spark Alive

Who needs Netflix and chill when you’ve got God and a sexless marriage? The big guy upstairs must have figured that by denying you the joy of carnal pleasures, you’d have to get creative in the bedroom. Or, you know, outside the bedroom. Think: steamy makeout sessions in the back of your car, risqué rendezvous in the supply closet at work, and maybe even the occasional game of “hide the sausage” during your weekly church potluck.

2. God Wanted to Test Your Commitment

Alright, lovebirds, time to put your money where your mouth is. Did you really mean it when you said, “Till death do us part?” Well, God’s about to put that vow to the test. By withholding the sweet, sweet nectar of physical intimacy, the big guy is essentially saying, “I dare you to stay together.” It’s like a celestial version of “The Floor is Lava,” but with way more blue balls.

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Maybe God figured that if you and your partner could weather the storm of a sexless marriage, your love would be strong enough to withstand anything. After all, what’s a little lack of physical attraction when you’ve got a bond that’s forged in the fires of mutual frustration and unfulfilled desires? It’s like the old saying goes, “The couple that prays together, stays together. And the couple that doesn’t get any, also stays together. Mostly out of sheer determination and a fear of being judged by their religious community.”

3. God Wanted to Ensure Purity of Heart

Alright, let’s be real here - God’s not exactly known for his progressive views on sex and sexuality. It’s possible that the big guy upstairs thought that by depriving you of the joys of physical intimacy, he could keep your hearts and minds pure. After all, what better way to avoid the temptation of lustful thoughts than to simply never experience the, uh, physical manifestation of those thoughts?

Abstinence: The New Aphrodisiac

Maybe God figured that by denying you the sweet release of physical intimacy, you’d be forced to find other ways to express your love and devotion. You know, like sexless hand-holding, chaste forehead kisses, and the occasional game of “who can go the longest without making eye contact during church service.” It’s like a celestial version of Tantric sex, but with way less, you know, sex.

4. God Wanted to Ensure Procreation (and Nothing Else)

Let’s be honest, the big guy upstairs is kind of old-fashioned when it comes to matters of the flesh. It’s possible that he thought, “You know what? These crazy kids these days, they’re all about the pleasure and the fun and the orgasms. Well, not on my watch!” So, he decided to make your sexless marriage the new normal, all in the name of good ol’ fashioned baby-making.

The Missionary Position: God’s Favorite

Maybe God figured that by denying you the joys of physical intimacy, you’d be forced to engage in the most godly of all sexual positions - the missionary. After all, what better way to ensure the continuation of the human race than by, uh, well, continuing the human race in the most vanilla, straightforward way possible? It’s like God said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And by ‘it,’ I mean your sex life.”

5. God Wanted to Punish You (or Someone Else)

Alright, time to get a little spicy here. It’s possible that God’s whole sexless marriage thing is actually a celestial version of a punishment. Maybe he’s trying to teach you a lesson, or maybe he’s got a beef with your great-great-grandpa Mortimer, who may or may not have been a serial adulterer. Either way, it’s clear that the big guy upstairs is playing a divine game of “you can’t sit with us” when it comes to your sex life.

The Celestial Timeout

Think about it - what better way to get someone to straighten up and fly right than by denying them the sweet, sweet release of physical intimacy? It’s like a heavenly version of grounding, but instead of taking away your phone or your car keys, God’s taking away your libido. Talk about a real-life version of “blue balls,” am I right?

6. God Wanted to Teach You the Power of Patience

Alright, let’s get serious for a moment. Maybe God’s whole sexless marriage thing is actually a lesson in the power of patience and delayed gratification. After all, what better way to build character and strengthen your relationship than by, uh, not getting it on like bunnies every chance you get?

The Virtue of Restraint

Perhaps God figured that by denying you the joys of physical intimacy, you’d be forced to find other ways to express your love and affection. Maybe he wanted you to focus on the emotional and spiritual aspects of your relationship, rather than the, uh, physical. It’s like a celestial version of a couples retreat, but with way more awkward silences and a distinct lack of massage oils.

7. God Wanted to Ensure Proper Prioritization

Alright, let’s get real here - sometimes, we humans can get a little carried away with the whole sex thing. It’s like we forget that there are other important aspects of life, like, you know, our relationship with the big guy upstairs. Well, it looks like the big G decided to put a stop to all that premarital hanky-panky once and for all.

Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize

Maybe God figured that by withholding the sweet, sweet nectar of physical intimacy, you’d be forced to focus on the truly important things in life. Like, uh, religious devotion, charitable works, and definitely not anything that could be considered sinful or, you know, fun.

8. God Wanted to Teach You the Importance of Communication

Alright, let’s be real here - sometimes, us humans can get a little too caught up in the physical aspects of a relationship. We forget that true intimacy isn’t just about, uh, physical intimacy, you know? Well, it looks like God decided to shake things up a bit by instituting the sexless marriage policy.

The Power of Emotional Intimacy

Maybe the big guy upstairs figured that by denying you the joys of physical intimacy, you’d be forced to find other ways to connect with your partner. Like, uh, talking to each other, sharing your deepest fears and desires, and maybe even gasp holding hands in public. It’s like a celestial version of couples counseling, but with way more guilt and a distinct lack of Kleenex.

9. God Wanted to Ensure Spiritual Growth

Alright, let’s get a little spiritual here. Maybe God’s whole sexless marriage thing is actually a way to help you and your partner grow closer to him (and, you know, each other). After all, what better way to focus on your relationship with the big guy upstairs than by, uh, not getting it on like bunnies every chance you get?

The Ascetic Approach to Love

Maybe the big guy upstairs figured that by denying you the physical pleasures of the flesh, you’d be forced to find other ways to nourish your soul. Like, uh, prayer, meditation, and the occasional game of “who can go the longest without making eye contact during church service.” It’s like a celestial version of a silent retreat, but with way more passive-aggressive side-eye from your fellow parishioners.

10. God Wanted to Keep You on Your Toes

Alright, let’s be real here - sometimes, us humans can get a little too complacent in our relationships. We forget that true love isn’t just about, uh, physical attraction, you know? Well, it looks like God decided to shake things up a bit by instituting the sexless marriage policy.

The Thrill of the Chase

Maybe the big guy upstairs figured that by denying you the joys of physical intimacy, you’d be forced to find other ways to keep the spark alive. Like, uh, flirting with your partner, planning romantic getaways, and the occasional game of “who can go the longest without making a snarky comment about your partner’s lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom.” It’s like a celestial version of a high-stakes game of cat and mouse, but with way more awkward silences and a distinct lack of satisfaction.